Selfish
by silent song of shadows
Summary: One Shot: Tony Stark was selfish. Everyone agreed. And when everyone agreed, it had to be true. Rated for mentions of suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide. Don't own Marvel or the Avengers


Selfish.

That's all he was.

That's what everyone said.

Tony slouched in one of his many comfortable couches, glass of scotch sitting idly in his hand as he thought deep thoughts that were much too deep for him to be considering on a Friday night when he had upgrades to perform to the suit, explosive arrows to redesign for Clint, a bullet proof suit that was still flexible enough for Steve, modifications to work on for Natasha's Widow's bite and Hulk proof pants that should really be done before the next delusional villain came to town.

But why should he be bothered about any of that? Why would his team mates even expect it?

Well, they wouldn't.

Because Tony Stark is selfish.

Before Afghanistan, yes he was indeed selfish. He could agree to that. His life had been party after party, one night stand after one night stand, tabloid after tabloid, weapon after weapon. Even as a child he had been selfish to try to take up his father's time when he had much better things to do like search for Captain America. He had selfishly stolen the spotlight with his circuit board and Engine. He had completed MIT at such a young age hoping his father would pay attention to him. When his parents had died in the car crash, Tony had left for several years and selfishly refused to talk about them. He hadn't cared then and he certainly shouldn't care now.

In the cave, Yinsen had died because he was selfish.

_This was always the plan._

What else could have happened? Tony could and should have made Yinsen a suit as well. But he was too selfish to consider making something like that for the other man until he had run out to buy Tony time to escape.

_Don't waste your life Tony._

Waste his life?

All he was was a selfish waste of life.

Yinsen had died believing Tony could be more than selfish.

And Tony had certainly tried.

He shut down the weapons section of Stark Industries. The backlash from that had been terrific with the stocks soaring down and his company in distress and why had he done such a thing people asked?

It must be because he was too selfish to send off his weapons to the military to protect the country and not because he didn't want the wrong people getting their hands on the weapons. If he had been less selfish, he would have found a much better way to fix that mistake.

The Iron Man suit was made to fix Tony's mistakes in not stopping his weapons from falling into the hands of terrorists. The miniature arc reactor he had redesigned had been so he could make something good out of his existence by being Iron Man.

Along comes Ob-_Stane._

_This is your legacy._

A legacy of selfishness.

Tony was glad he was too selfish to share the designs with anyone. Stane could have attacked even sooner and caused much more damage. Tony had known that there was practically no chance of survival that evening when he told Pepper to overload the reactor.

Tony had wanted to die.

Wanted to go out leaving behind the legacy of protecting people by sacrificing himself for their safety.

He survived.

At the press conference, he revealed his identity to let people know that he was there to protect them. But of course, he would never actually say that out loud. Tony didn't want more civilians to die because of his mistakes and his selfishness while telling them that would make him seem weak and soft. It would make him vulnerable. But the government decided that the suit wasn't safe in his hands and wanted it for themselves.

He was Iron Man. He was Tony Stark. The two of them were not separate.

People disagreed.

Iron Man was a selfless hero. Tony Stark was a selfish man.

The scotch went on the table as Tony got up and went outside, leaning on the balcony overlooking the streets of New York. A misty rain hazed over him as he sank deeper into his dark thoughts on his selfishness.

When he had been dying from Palladium poisoning he had searched for other options, desperately hoping that he would be able to continue atoning for his mistakes. The Stark Expo had been his idea, his wish that he would leave behind more than a selfish legacy. He had even let Hammer give a presentation there when under any other circumstances he wouldn't have allowed a single piece of Hammer tech within fifty miles of the place.

SI had been his gift to Pepper, knowing that she would be able to lead the company to the greatness he had never been able to. How could someone so selfish do anything that wouldn't backfire in the long run? SI wasn't safe in his hands.

Pepper wouldn't let him be selfish when Tony asked her for a birthday party with just the two of them away from everything. So Tony had invited a ton of people over to which had backfired when Rhodey stole one of his suits and the two of them had wrecked the building.

Tony let Rhodey fly away. His friend would do better things with the suit than Tony ever could.

The poisoning situation continued to spiral out of control and Tony just hoped it would end so that he wouldn't have to struggle to try and change his selfish ways.

Enter Fury and Tony's assistant who was also an assassin in her spare time. Tony tried to fire her, Fury took control.

Tony's fingers clenched on the rail separating him from thin air.

_Iron Man, yes. Tony Stark not recommended._

Tony had been a good little boy. He had suffered through watching the movies of his father and had given Pepper a gift of strawberries that turned out to be the one thing she was allergic to. The element was rediscovered and synthesized to allow Tony to continue his atonement. Vanko had used the Hammer tech to attack the Expo and Tony went to save the day, eventually killing Vanko with Rhodey.

But that wasn't what was focused on.

The fact that Tony had been selfish enough to keep from telling anyone he was dying was much more important than the fact that he was there to make up for his mistakes.

It was Iron Man that had saved the day. Tony Stark had only botched everything up before. Without Tony Stark, Iron Man wouldn't have been needed.

Fury had condescendingly allowed Tony to be a consultant. It was all he could be trusted with.

If Agent had been in charge, Tony was almost certain the results would have been different. Agent reminded him of Yinsen, expecting Tony to be a good man and believing in him. Agent treated Tony like another man who wasn't above him or the person the tabloids said he was. Agent threatened to taze Tony and won his undying respect.

When the call for the Avengers to assemble came, Tony hadn't wanted to join. He would endanger the whole mission with his selfishness. The only reason he even looked at the files for it was because Agent was the one to offer them.

It was Steve and Bruce that had changed his mind.

With Bruce, it was obvious.

Tony could easily provide protection and work for the scientist who doubled as an awesome green rage monster. It would be one thing he could do that would help make up for the way he had provided the government with the very weapons that were most likely being used to hunt down Bruce.

As for Steve, Tony harboured a morbid desire to remind himself of the goal he fell short of. It was almost self punishment for the way he had tried to take his father's time away from searching for the Captain who was the ultimate superhero anyone could be. Excellent morals, good looking, good person, and the man who singlehandedly defeated the Red Skull. Tony wanted to hate him, but it was so impossible to hate Steve that he hated him for not being able to hate him.

_Take off the suit and what are you?_

With the suit he was Iron Man, hero, defender, avenger. Take off the suit and he was Tony Stark, selfish billionaire, self centred genius and holder of other meaningless titles.

He would never admit that to the man of course. Why give him any more ammunition?

Agent had died and with him was the hope Tony had that he could be more than who he was. Tony had fought with Captain and the others in remembrance of Agent, to avenge him and make him proud.

Tony was pathetic. He was too selfish to consider his father a role model or a real dad. He had only had short times with Yinsen and Agent and the two of them had slipped into that role with ease before both of them had died thanks to him. Yinsen because Tony hadn't made a suit. Agent because the genius wasn't smart enough to figure out Loki's game plan. Loki hadn't even tried to escape in the forest and no alarm bells had been set off in Tony's head. He should have known.

Tony's hand went to the arc reactor, gently running his fingers over it, remembering how it had flickered and died when he went through the portal.

He could have directed the nuke at the hole and let go. He held on, knowing that his death would be painless.

But the death didn't come.

Tony twisted the reactor, dislodging it from its hole and holding it up to stare at.

He had survived.

But it was Iron Man who had saved the day again.

It was Tony Stark who was too selfish to think of the people who would supposedly miss him if he died.

_I can't do this anymore Tony. I can't watch you constantly put yourself in danger and not know if you'll make it back alive. Why can't you think about how I feel when you pull off those stunts? Why do you have to be so selfish?_

Pepper had been right to break up with him.

He was too selfish to let other people care about him.

Blackness was gathering at the edges of his vision and he carefully lowered himself to the ground and his heart started beating irregularily.

Why should he continue?

All he was was a selfish person who made terrible mistakes.

"No, you're not."

Had he said that out loud?

Someone took the reactor from in and lifted up his shirt to replace it. Tony let out an involuntary grunt as the wires clicked in place. Red hair hung in front of him. Pepper? No, she left. She wouldn't be there.

"Natashalie. How delightful to see you." He said tonelessly as his vision cleared.

"I lied on your report." Natasha said quietly, sitting beside him in the rain. "I lied to Fury. I am a trained assassin and need to read people in my profession, breaking past their masks."

It was funny how his heart beat irregularly even with the reactor in it. Of course she had seen the real him. She had seen his vulnerabilities. She had seen how selfish he was.

"You are a selfless man, Tony."

"No I'm not." Tony knew that all too well.

"Iron Man yes, Tony Stark not recommended? They're the same person. Fury was expecting the results I gave him. He didn't want to see the truth. Iron Man wouldn't exist without you. The suit doesn't make you the man you are."

Tony had nothing to say to that.

"People see what they expect to see. They say what they think they see and take it as truth. It's when their version of truth is repeated over and over that others start to believe it."

Tony closed his eyes and exhaled, feeling so weak.

"I'm just a selfish man."

"I'm just a cold blooded killer."

Tony snorted at that.

"You're much more than that."

"But when people expect me to be that and continually say it, sometimes I start believing it."

"I don't care what people say."

Natasha shot him a look but didn't reply.

There was no need to. She had made Tony rethink by just slightly opening up. It was definitely too much to ask her to share her darkest secrets with him, but somehow all it took was a little sacrifice on each side for the two of them to connect. Further developments would take time, but the first step was taken and now Tony wasn't completely convinced that he was hopeless. It was enough for then.

Fighting against the aliens had established a case by case working relationship. It was that moment that made them teammates.

And you couldn't be entirely selfish when you were voluntarily part of a team.

**Random one shot that wouldn't leave me alone. Good/awful? Leave a review?**

**Shadow**


End file.
